No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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