I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
How external is "for external use only"?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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