I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
