When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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