i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
