I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
