Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
