Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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