Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize