i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
