Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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