Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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