I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
