then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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