mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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