Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
