what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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