oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Randomize
