how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
