If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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