i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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