I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
