What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
