I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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