She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
