Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
