I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just found puke in my bra..
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
