I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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