do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
it was like eating out sand paper
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
