"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
