i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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