Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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