im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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