Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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