I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
