drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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