Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
