I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
