Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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