I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
