im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Are we still banned from the library?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
