I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
