I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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