Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
