apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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