turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
