apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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