he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
