Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
