I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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