I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
