she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize