I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize