On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
