I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
