Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We had to coat check the pizza.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize