My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
