"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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