I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
