I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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