I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We had to coat check the pizza.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
