just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
